people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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