my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
