Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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