I accidentally had phone sex last night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
