margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dear god my vagina.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
