I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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