winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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