The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
