I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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