i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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