Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
