I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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