So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Someone came in the potted fern
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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