I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
