Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
