I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
