in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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