I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
