he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
