Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
