we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
