So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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