I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
