if i can run in heels then i can drive
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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