i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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