I could have mohawked her pubes.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
