Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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