My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
