did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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