yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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