glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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