I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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