I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
