He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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