It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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