Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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