Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
