Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
