My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got inside last night via doggy door
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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