turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
