my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
