I wish I only lived at night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
