I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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