I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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