Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
