she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
