I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
