I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
