So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
