I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
